Blackstock Art&Design

 Last week I was accused of creating a viscous letter hand written criticizing the building management. When I pointed out I couldn’t write due to a stroke I was offered a meeting with the building manager which I took. The meeting was on the same day as the new lease signing. I received an apology and a new lease which undercharged me, so that needed correcting by asserting my right to a fair deal so that I didn’t commit fraud. So this was stressful because I looked at it as ‘I MUST do well and be liked with the management or else I’m homeless and a no good shit.’ There was/is no evidence for either of those beliefs, this is not terrible it is just a pain in this ass, an inconvenience. Then my chair for my computer was refused funding by the government victims of crime organization because I used it for work. I accused them of a lack of empathy looking for mere quibbles to disallow me, it was none of their business what I used it for, it was medically prescribed. Then they ref...

  Loyalty I no longer have this deformed ugly sick abusive thing hanging on to me sucking the life out of me. I highly prefer to have loyalty but I don’t have to. Loyalty is not unconditional love, it’s frank conversation and willingness to compromise. The constant fear of being abandoned as a child, and dumped as an adult is the constant cortisol that is high blood pressure, strokes, cancer.  All of my family relationships and all of my romantic or sexual relationships have been missing that key ingredient of loyalty. The key words of should, must, have to, and need are real in this situation; if I don’t have it I’ll die. So I walked away from them, in some cases they dumped me for suggesting we have an honest conversation, asking for love and understanding they couldn’t give, smearing as they walked out the door. Frustration, bitterness, and resentment are what they leave behind.  Overvalue, undervalue, dump, smear. They used various conditions for the undervalue, usual...

  Neurodivergent      I went to what we called college later we called it university. I was asked to tutor  Neurodivergent    kids helping them with writing their papers. I gave them a strategy and off they went, I hope it worked. I fell in love with the kids, I was 40ish and they were teens; we were all studying visual art. Another similarity, we were all recovering from abuse, the details are different but its all being undervalued basically, abuse is abuse and abandonment is abuse.      So I listened to their stories and then showed them what I used to write it down.      In visual art we are taught to work from the general to the specific, as a painter I don’t have to get very specific at all, in fact the details often are irrelevant. So we wrote a general outline and then filled it in. The opening sentence was, this is what I’m writing about generally. I stole the format from Albert Ellis, a doctorate o...

  I don’t have time for you... He acted as if, I felt, he was my brother. I was in hospital for a long stay, healing the largest bone in the body. It turns out, you know, that this is his thing, preying upon the vulnerable. For the second time in my life, I was on a long many months stay on a recovery ward and a minor acquaintance in my life instantly became a major care giver. Turns out there is a cost to be paid. I’m single with no family to speak of, a prime target. The first one became a roommate so I didn’t get warehoused in some bedbug factory due to my low disabled income. Then Covid hit so for years I tolerated his undervaluing abuse. I got this place of my own on a subsidized rent and I met Dale who lived here taking care of the helpless Marilyn, while attending church and gamblers anonymous. He’s a really good guy the Manager told me, you can trust him. So when I was attacked by the unhoused man at the grocery, thrown down and thrown into hospital for months, ...