Mindfulness

I was orphaned at age 2, only my bare physical needs for survival were attended to by my widowed narcissist Mom for the welfare cheque.

I have spent my life recovering from her abuse of neglect and its still ongoing. I’m 71. Doing things like marrying people similar to my Mom to win her approval will make you a slave. To approval. Addicted to love one psychologist called it.

Along the way I have spoken to psychologists belonging to several schools and even trans-personal psychologists in a cult at a time when I was in transition and especially vulnerable.

Most, with the exception of evidence based psychologists, implied covertly that I had something to do with the abuse.

The latest was a member of the mindfulness school, based in the Buddhist/Hindu meditation, system of beliefs. “Mindfulness derives from sati, a significant element of Hindu and Buddhist traditions,[7][8] and is based on Chan, Guān, and Tibetan meditation techniques” - Wiki. Yes, the Dali Lama is my abuser, based on evidence.

The pop ‘be here now’ psychology of my hippie past psychological explorations (aka mindfulness) sold a lot of books for Richard Alpert and I suspect that is the real basis for its (and yoga’s) current popularity. I was in a rehab hospital with a patient colleague with a doctorate of psychology recovering from her brain tumours who was making 300 grand a year selling mindfulness to disturbed patients.

As part of my rehab I was referred to a psychologist for possible PTSD after an attack on the street that left me with severe injuries.

I told the shrink that I had experienced mindfulness training as part of yoga cult recruitment at an ashram and found it abusive. Why? Because it criticized me. All criticism is abuse, all cults are abusive.

She soon declared I had no symptoms of PTSD (I did) and discharged me after arguing in favour of her beliefs in order to prove me wrong, like any word salad devotee zealot. She reminded me of the religious psychiatrist I was sent to to deal with grief and loss of my wife to Huntington’s disease. It seems I had no purpose in life and found no purpose in the death of loved ones. More criticism.

Thankfully, I fired him when I found Albert Ellis,”When you lose an arm, do everything you can to deal with it, then ignore it and focus on satisfactions. You may not have as many choices but you still have some." The purpose of life, as it turns out, is satisfaction. 

I recently had an AI on X described this as self indulgent. I was using REBT techniques because they address thoughts causing my feelings on the events of the past and fears of the future. AI’s only generate what they have been programmed with. So I cancelled X. Ignored it and found more satisfying social media. I was also called self indulgent by the Ashram when I  left to attend art school, so I fired the ashram as well. If the purpose of life is my satisfaction, being used by my mother, my wife and my ashram is not very satisfying.

 Isolation

She's Dead To Me

 Isolation

This came to me in a dream last night, a remembrance about Rob and Rose, how they cut me off when I was recovering from a long term illness.

I tend to blame Rose a very childish and therefore narcissist traits person. I was devastated, blindsided. I said goodbye to them and haven’t contacted them since.

Then I started to look at the rest of my relationships where the same thing was/is happening. Yep there it is: childishness. So of course I’m going to get narcissistic behaviours such as isolation from them or partners. 

I thought of my marriage and that aspect was the worst for me, being cut off from friends and family. 

My sister has done this as well, cut me off. 

All the cut offs have been extremely childish people, mean like its bizarre, never cooking, getting obese from take-out, never cleaning hiring a Mom. Never doing the heavy lifting in any sense of the word, using their fleet of flying monkeys for that.  Here was the first result from a Google search.

Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

    • July 31, 2022

    • 6 mins read

    • Dark Personalities / Psychology & Mental Health

It doesn’t always happen quickly. Sometimes narcissists isolate you subtly and slowly, gradually removing your entire identity. However, you can escape.

When we think about narcissists, we think of insidious and toxic people who are easily recognizable. The truth is, they aren’t always so obvious to pinpoint.

Some narcissists pride themselves on just how crafty they can be when isolating you from loved ones. Some of them can slip in undetected and change our lives forever. The good news: we can heal, and we can escape. But first, we must learn the signs.

How narcissists isolate you: 5 signs to watch out for

The narcissist slowly introduces isolation into our lives. It’s not sudden and they usually claim to have your best interests at heart, along with their own. Bit by bit, they convince you to grow more isolated from society.

Here are a few signs that this is happening to you:

1. They pretend to like your friends

One of the subtle indicators that you’re being isolated from people is found in the inconsistent behavior of the narcissist. At first, they will tell you that they like your friends. Gradually, they will find faults in your acquaintances, and this will increase as time goes on.

Eventually, they will say something like this, “I don’t think your best friend, Johanna, is good for you”. Narcissists isolate you with this tactic.

2. They want to keep everything private

Now, this seems sweet at first glance, but it’s a carefully calculated trick. Narcissists will seem like they want to keep family information secret to protect the ones they love, but that’s not the real reason. Here’s the truth.

Only close family knows the true personality and character of the narcissist, and if society saw the truth, it could destroy the narcissist.

If you notice your partner insisting on keeping everything private, it doesn’t mean they’re protecting you. The narcissist could be forcing isolation to protect themself.

3. You’re experiencing self-doubt

Another indicator that a narcissist is isolating you from everyone comes from your level of self-doubt. If you’re questioning who you are or your intentions, these could be thoughts that were planted in your head by your abuser.

This is also a technique used to isolate you from others. It can be a form of gaslighting where the narcissist insists that others do not like you and do not want to be around you. Do you feel this way? If so, someone you love may be attempting to isolate you.

4. They’re using triangulation

It’s vile. Triangulation is when a narcissist will try their hardest to get close to your “favorite” family member. The goal is to become closer to your loved one than you are. Sometimes this happens, and it is so sad.

Do you feel like someone is stealing your brother, your sister, or maybe your own mother? If so, this could be a sign that the narcissist is attempting to isolate you and become more relevant in the lives of your family.

5. They seek all the attention

If someone in your life is always needing attention, their goal may be to isolate you from everyone else. Think about it for a moment. If you are always busy placating a narcissist, you will have no time for anyone else.

This places the narcissist as number one in your life, with the personal goal of being the only one in your life. Watch out for super needy people, and make sure you keep in contact with others to prevent isolation.

How can you escape isolation tactics?

There are several ways to break free from a narcissist’s isolation tactics. More so, there are ways to never end up in that place, to begin with. Take a look at a few tips and tricks to stop these toxic characters in their tracks.

Recognize the signs

First of all, you must be able to recognize when someone is attempting to isolate you from others. Seeing the truth will give you a chance to stop these actions before they start. For instance, here are a few steps.

    • Don’t change all your plans for them. Notice the pattern of interrupting your plans and practice doing what you want, anyway.

    • Be okay with saying no to the narcissist. They will not like this, but if you do it early on, they will understand that this particular form of manipulation does not work with you.

    • Call them out on their behavior. Look directly in their eyes, if they can keep eye contact, that is, and tell them that you know what they are doing. Even if they deny it, just walk away. They know you know, make no mistake of that.

Analyze the relationship

Do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who always attempts to isolate you? Think long and hard about this and understand that narcissists aren’t always willing to change things.

As a matter of fact, most of the time, they deny their actions and intentions. If they bring more harm than good, maybe you should consider a life without them.

Protect your self-worth

Do not let them drag you down. This is a tactic that can successfully isolate you from your loved ones.

You see, narcissists know that if they can make you feel bad about yourself, then you will turn to them, the “only one who appreciates you”. This is a lie, obviously, but manipulation can be powerful if someone has used it for many years.

Do what you need to do

Bottom line: You do whatever you need to avoid isolation and any other harmful weapon a narcissist uses. And remember, a narcissist suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, which is a hard condition to navigate.

Narcissist actually have a low self-esteem and try to offset this by feigning grandiose behavior. Analyzing this behavior is complicated.

These behaviors are not easy to change, so they can affect your health. Your mental and physical health are more important than retaining an unhealthy relationship.

So, scan through these signs and see if any pertain to your situation. If so, take action now and change your life.

A Course In Deprogramming From Religion

 

First

 

The problem, for me, with social media, is that it has so few characters available. I was recently reading a first person, The Marriage Dividend by
Laurie Stone in the Paris Review where Ms. Stone leads from one topic to the next and back again.

From a spontaneous orgy at age 19 to being 78 and meeting a friend on the streets of New York. I fell in love all over again.

I read my very first first person in the New Yorker while on a camping trip with my highly dysfunctional wife and her new age conservative friends. They disapproved of my choice of magazine and everything else about me as it turned out. I was 40 and going to art school to gain some formal credentials in academia in order to teach and get a career away from the very conservative transportation industry where I had taken refuge away from being a poorly paid contract addictions therapist. My transitional needs job. I like to drive and dispatch.

It was hard to get jobs as I was too everything: smart and creative, experienced and a threat to the current management. My straightforward honesty and sense of ethics was also an issue in the shady business world.

So I sat there in the woods reading my first first person and feel in love. I didn’t know it but I had found a writing that matched my painting and my music. Unedited, the first thought is the best thought, unrehearsed, painting from start to finish in 45 minutes. Self accepting that no amount of fussing and going over it was going to make me a better writer, painter, musician in the ensuing 10 minutes. Acceptance of human imperfection as perfection. The sound of the calloused fingers on the strings.

In art history class the prof said Emily Carr’s mark making symbolized a higher power or some such nonsense. When I pointed out she was cleaning the extra paint off the ferrule of her brush all kinds of academic hell broke loose. I encouraged the prof to make some art and then talk about it. So she did.

One publishers rejection said this isn’t a book it’s a blog. So I self publish, thank you Amazon and Google.

Fear Obligation Guilt

I mean they were mean 

So, today I am headed to the mountains, as my parking is being cleaned as part of the spring routine in a winter country.
I reached a sense of peace this weekend. "It's not my fault" insights with abuse that I have suffered in the past. I realized it was good for me to live in the hospital with childish abusers and write every day, reflecting on their actions and circumstances while my broken hip recovered. 
I mean they were mean. 

It was a competition for them for attention. Two people, a man and a woman weighed 350lbs and were trauma bonded. One had a special wheelchair motorized and a permanent cathader with a urine collection bag that kept showing itself 'by accident'.

They belittled my choice of frozen blueberries and cream for my snack. I said I used to be overweight and cured it with diet. They kept munching their sugary treats and potato chips while giving me hostile stares like anxious cows chewing their cuds. Both drank a lot of high fructose corn syrup in various forms. Coke addicts.

Somehow I felt guilty even though rationally I knew I couldn't cause their childish disfunction. 

Being parentified as a child will do that. That's how it is done. F.O.G. Fear obligation and guilt.

So my childish building manager who parentified all the residents into her childish office politics drama finally left, the send off dinner was this weekend. What a relief from the F.O.G. I didn't attend, it would be like attending a celebration of your rapist. 

Sort of what Americans must feel with their current president. 

Clearly.

 

Insight to Childishness

 I watched a therapist talking about childish people. They all have traits of narcissism she said. Then she went on to describe how they don't care about you. And that can't be influenced.

It's all about them, never you.

I so wanted my mother to care about me.

She made me an orphan with a parent.

I was the parent. So she would love me.

Then typically as I moved on in life I did all the usual things when I was overly vulnerable to being manipulated with love (love-bombing). I married them only to be used and dumped and smeared.

I accepted the red flags.

I turned a blind eye to them. 

I wanted the love bombing stage to never stop.

And it did off and on.

Then I got permission to just walk away.

That's better.

Goodbye to JoAnne

 

    

JoAnne Peterson was the building manager of the seniors subsidized housing I moved into when I was very vulnerable. Everyone who moves is vulnerable. The stress level is at the top of the charts. Usually there is a lot of loss and grieving as well.

    She was warm & professional showing me the options like any property manager. I allowed her to pick a building. apartment and parking spot for me and my disability, choosing to trust her obvious expertise. It was the pandemic and there was lots of choices.

    So, she was adequate and effective in that aspect of meeting my needs for slightly disabled accommodation. But, during the entire interview she complained about her employer. She hasn’t stopped for the four years I have been here. It became obvious that she was using the residents to stir up complaints. It was an obsession. I told her and others on her resident team that I’m a non-combatant, here to live in peace and make my art, recover from a stroke and improve my mental health.

    So, this person pretending to be my friend for her purposes dumped me, as did her team of residents, some becoming actively hostile.

    Eventually the management company changed and JoAnne was laid off. I had told JoAnne that now we could have a conversation that wasn’t about her employer. She continued to complain obsessively. We all have health issues, this was hers. It’s a relief not to be around it anymore.

 update: Thinking about JoAnne and comparing her to my narcissist mother this morning. How every once in a while she would throw you a bone to keep loyalty and keep you hanging on. My parking for example or my corner apartment, larger with nice windows. To keep you paying attention and anxious about losing it, always talking about how the management was unreliable. How I felt relief when she wasn’t here.

I’ve been manipulated with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.