Blackstock Art&Design

  Mindfulness I was orphaned at age 2, only my bare physical needs for survival were attended to by my widowed narcissist Mom for the welfare cheque. I have spent my life recovering from her abuse of neglect and its still ongoing. I’m 71. Doing things like marrying people similar to my Mom to win her approval will make you a slave. To approval. Addicted to love one psychologist called it. Along the way I have spoken to psychologists belonging to several schools and even trans-personal psychologists in a cult at a time when I was in transition and especially vulnerable. Most , with the exception of evidence based psychologists, implied covertly that I had something to do with the abuse. The latest was a member of the mindfulness school, based in the Buddhist/Hindu meditation, system of beliefs. “ Mindfulness derives from  sati , a significant element of  Hindu   and  Buddhist   traditions, [7] [8]   and is based on  Chan ,  Guān , a...

 Isolation She's Dead To Me  Isolation This came to me in a dream last night, a remembrance about Rob and Rose, how they cut me off when I was recovering from a long term illness. I tend to blame Rose a very childish and therefore narcissist traits person. I was devastated, blindsided. I said goodbye to them and haven’t contacted them since. Then I started to look at the rest of my relationships where the same thing was/is happening. Yep there it is: childishness. So of course I’m going to get narcissistic behaviours such as isolation from them or partners.  I thought of my marriage and that aspect was the worst for me, being cut off from friends and family.  My sister has done this as well, cut me off.  All the cut offs have been extremely childish people, mean like its bizarre, never cooking, getting obese from take-out, never cleaning hiring a Mom. Never doing the heavy lifting in any sense of the word, using their fleet of flying monkeys for that.  Here...

 

  The problem, for me, with social media, is that it has so few characters available. I was recently reading a first person, The Marriage Dividend by Laurie Stone in the Paris Review where Ms. Stone leads from one topic to the next and back again. From a spontaneous orgy at age 19 to being 78 and meeting a friend on the streets of New York. I fell in love all over again. I read my very first first person in the New Yorker while on a camping trip with my highly dysfunctional wife and her new age conservative friends. They disapproved of my choice of magazine and everything else about me as it turned out. I was 40 and going to art school to gain some formal credentials in academia in order to teach and get a career away from the very conservative transportation industry where I had taken refuge away from being a poorly paid contract addictions therapist. My transitional needs job. I like to drive and dispatch. It was hard to get jobs as I was too everything: smart and cre...

I mean they were mean   So, today I am headed to the mountains, as my parking is being cleaned as part of the spring routine in a winter country. I reached a sense of peace this weekend. "It's not my fault" insights with abuse that I have suffered in the past. I realized it was good for me to live in the hospital with childish abusers and write every day, reflecting on their actions and circumstances while my broken hip recovered.  I mean they were mean.  It was a competition for them   for attention. Two people, a man and a woman weighed 350lbs and were trauma bonded. One had a special wheelchair motorized and a permanent  cathader with a  urine collection bag that kept showing itself 'by accident'. They belittled my choice of frozen blueberries and cream for my snack. I said I used to be overweight and cured it with diet. They kept munching their sugary treats and potato chips while giving me hostile stares like anxious cows chewing their cuds. Both drank...

 I watched a therapist talking about childish people. They all have traits of narcissism she said. Then she went on to describe how they don't care about you. And that can't be influenced. It's all about them, never you. I so wanted my mother to care about me. She made me an orphan with a parent. I was the parent. So she would love me. Then typically as I moved on in life I did all the usual things when I was overly vulnerable to being manipulated with love (love-bombing). I married them only to be used and dumped and smeared. I accepted the red flags. I turned a blind eye to them.  I wanted the love bombing stage to never stop. And it did off and on. Then I got permission to just walk away. That's better.

       JoAnne Peterson was the building manager of the seniors subsidized housing I moved into when I was very vulnerable. Everyone who moves is vulnerable. The stress level is at the top of the charts. Usually there is a lot of loss and grieving as well.      She was warm & professional showing me the options like any property manager. I allowed her to pick a building. apartment and parking spot for me and my disability, choosing to trust her obvious expertise. It was the pandemic and there was lots of choices.      So, she was adequate and effective in that aspect of meeting my needs for slightly disabled accommodation. But, during the entire interview she complained about her employer. She hasn’t stopped for the four years I have been here. It became obvious that she was using the residents to stir up complaints. It was an obsession. I told her and others on her resident team that I’m a non-combatant, here to live in peace ...