Trauma - I’ve had the flu vaccines and I’m feeling under the weather.

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Trauma

I’ve had the flu vaccines and I’m feeling under the weather.

And so memories of past emotional traumas have been returning in a dream last night and memories today. It occurs that they all involved the betrayal of trust by other people when it came to living situations. Dumping me and leaving me for another man (Rita Kramer), Dumping me and leaving me with double rent to pay (James Whitford’s friends, David and Alan). Ken McKasgill came and went as a solution. I got a room with former coworkers and that broke up so I got a room with current co-workers and that broke up leaving me serial traumatized, engaged and then married to an extreme narcissist so of course it didn’t last.

I co-habitated with Betty and changed cities then back again where she met an engineer at a party and never came home. I tried roommates with Rob and Rose then Tref then on my own for several years then Edi then on my own followed by Brian during my stroke recovery during covid then on my own till now. I have an independent living 1 bedroom in a subsidized building. Aged narcissists abound and I disengage once they reveal themselves. I’ve done a bunch of that recently which could account for separation anxiety (hello old friend) re-occurring when I feel sick and like my childhood, no one to care for me.

My roommates were always readily available narcissists because they can’t do stable relationships and are always hunting new victims armed with love bombing and charm. My financial life was average working class that was better with less rent to pay so that made it easier on my bank account to allow them in and put up with it. The ones claiming romance, Rita Carol Betty and Edi were a common sordid and squalid tale, as documented by Paul Simon.

Darling Lorraine — Paul Simon

[Verse 1]
 The first time I saw her I couldn’t be sure
 But the sin of impatience said, “She’s just what you’re looking for”
 So I walked right up to her, and with the part of me that talks
 I introduced myself as Frank from New York, New York
 
 [Pre-Chorus 1]
 She’s so hot, she’s so cool
 I’m not, I’m just a fool
 In love with darling Lorraine
 
 [Verse 2]
 All my life, I’ve been a wanderer
 Not really, I mostly lived near my parents’ home
 Anyway, Lorraine and I got married and the usual marriage stuff
 Then one day she says to me, from out of the blue she says, “Frank, I’ve had enough
 
 [Pre-Chorus 2]
 Romance is a heartbreaker
 I’m not meant to be a homemaker
 And I’m tired of being darling Lorraine”
 
 [Chorus 1]
 What, you don’t love me anymore?
 What, you’re walking out the door?
 What, you don’t like the way I chew?
 Hey, let me tell you
 You’re not the woman that I wed
 You say you’re depressed but you’re not
 You just like to stay in bed
 I don’t need you, darling Lorraine
 Darling Lorraine
 Lorraine, I long for your love

[Verse 3]
 Financially speaking, I guess I’m a washout
 Everybody’s buy and sell and sell and buy and that’s what the whole thing’s all about
 If it had not been for Lorraine, I’d have left here long ago
 I should have been a musician, I love the piano
 
 [Pre-Chorus 3]
 She’s so light, she’s so free
 I’m tight, well, that’s me
 But I feel so good with darling Lorraine
 
 [Bridge]
 On Christmas morning Frank awakes
 To find Lorraine has made a stack of pancakes
 They watch the television, husband and wife
 All afternoon, “It’s a Wonderful Life”
 
 [Chorus 2]
 What, you don’t love me anymore?
 What, you’re walking out the door?
 What, you don’t like the way I chew?
 Hey, let me tell you
 You’re not the woman that I wed
 Gimme my robe, I’m going back to bed
 I’m sick to death of you, Lorraine
 Darling Lorraine
 Lorraine, her hands like wood
 The doctor was smiling but the news wasn’t good

[Verse 4]
 Darlin’ Lorraine, please don’t leave me yet
 I know you’re in pain, pain you can’t forget
 Your breathing is like an echo of our love
 Maybe I’ll go down to the corner store and buy us something sweet
 Here’s an extra blanket, honey, to wrap around your feet
 
 [Outro]
 All the trees were washed with April rain
 And the moon in the meadow took darling Lorraine


Jerald is a Canadian visual artist, educator and essayist with a focus on personal history through the lens of REBT, rational emotive behavioural therapy, the work of Dr. Albert Ellis. After a debilitating stroke in 2017, he re-tuned his studio to write and explore creating/editing time based art. He has since published 12 books of personal essays and photo-based artwork, the most recent published title Intimate Writings A Living Autobiography “Warning, confidential matters will be discussed.”was released in the winter 2024. His website is jeraldblackstock.ca

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