Arrogance (blame shifting)

Arrogance (blame shifting)

 

 

Long Weekend Blues

What is the situation that you are upset about?
     Answer: Abandonment. The dentists’ office didn't get back to me about my tooth kicking up a fuss, it's a long weekend when historically I have been alone and felt dumped and lonely = no one loves me. Thinking about the isolating behaviors of family, actually my Mom/siblings, and similar girl/guy friends who actually didn’t love me but claimed to. The cure of course is to ignore the lying creatures the lying lies and to focus on that I love me and to walk away from childish self centred folks.

What are the unhealthy negative emotions that you are experiencing?
     Answer: hurt anxiety depression jealousy

What demand are you making about the situation?
     Answer: Dentist: Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience. Long weekend: I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good I must be invited to have the trips and bar-b-ques that others have and be included or I am no good.
     Dispute: Why must I? Is there evidence that I'm no good?
     Rational Belief: Dentist: there is a good chance that the dentist that the assistant Luvleen tried to contact for me didn't get back to her due to long weekend irregularity and anyway, I am OK with pain relievers till things get back to normal (not holiday), and this gives my tooth time to settle down. This is discomfort and inconvenience a pain but its not awful, I won't die from it.

Ron who often says Hi and takes off revealed to me that he is suffering from prostate cancer so I now suspect he has urgent urination issues, it’s not me and actually it never was. So I ran in to him and had a chat yesterday, he now says he has no symptoms then spent half an hour describing his treatments in great detail, incredibly self centred; no wonder I felt lonely around him.

People always have 3 choices about what they don’t like about me. Rejection, assertiveness, and put up with me. No one can influence their choice.

The other abandoners: many of whom were isolating narcissists so they should be acting that way because they did act that way I don't have (so no one) has the ability to influence or change a personality defect in others.

What are your new healthy negative emotions?
     Answer: disappointment and concern, sadness I regret my association with who they turned out to be but I get some comfort in that they cloned me in the overvalue stage, so the person I was enjoying was me essentially.

What are your new self-helping behaviors?
     Answer: talking to strangers, and asking others for what I want, tackling unpleasant tasks without needless delay, getting pain management advice returning to the dentist if necessary, asking for assistance, enjoying the fact that I walked away from the creatures that had childish narcissist tendencies. So I wasn't abandoned, I smelled a rat and began speaking up and asking for what I want which they hate as they have nothing to give, eventually moved on and in some cases that was very very painful for me. The narcissist always undervalued and blamed me then dumped me then smeared me. Always. So I hurt a lot because I believed them. Then I kept returning trying to heal the relationship and found myself in a rinse repeat scenario.

So my acceptance of myself has been conditional, only if others ‘love me’ (including the dentist’s assistant) then I love myself. So I have learned to just leave my self alone and dump this self esteem bullshit and to ignore the creatures, like learning to walk without an assistive device, focus on strategies for satisfaction many or most of them are things I do alone.

So why did I end up with serial narcissist romantic and sex partners? Like when I found my non-affectionate mother showing affection (no longer abandoning me) so then on a very deep level I felt security, love: Oxytocin generated by the love bombing. It’s hard to spot the liars they do and say all the right things. I find that asking for what I want helps to send them back to the bog, the creatures run flinging shit as they go. Looking for childish self centred traits as an indicator that they don’t care, I listen to this lady.

How do I feel security now? I became for the most part rational. Is there any evidence that I can’t take care of me by asking for help when reasonably required? No there is no evidence. I have found it scary to do and in some circumstances such as the dentist very scary, but my rational response has been the treatment by the professional is the eventual cessation of discomfort, or short term pain for long term gain an adult behaviour.

When faced with being alone during trigger times, the same thing applies: get used to the initial discomfort by dealing with it by making plans for satisfaction with my best friend: me. I may not have as many options but I still have some.

Walking

 

I had the lovely experience of having my walking path blocked by automobiles.

One person said she was ‘asked’ to.

Another said I could walk somewhere else.

I was reminded of a family member who used similar put offs and put downs.

The professional advice is I’ll never be able to influence them, they don’t care, so it’s perfectly fine to simply walk away.

While walking yesterday one of these creatures tried to engage me in conversation using the hook of ‘how are you’ to which I didn’t reply, I just kept walking. His response was ‘fuck you’ and I just kept walking.

I am afraid of other people’s disapproval of me

when these other people have no power over me. - Ellis  

So here is my conundrum.  I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good

The fear is a result of calling myself no good resulting in anxiety, depression, embarrassment, guilt, and shame.

Is there any evidence that I’m no good? Well, I’m not all bad, if I want to stay with a rating system.

However, I choose not to rate myself at all, essentially dumping the notion of self esteem and what happens then? 

I’m free. To pursue satisfaction.

So what happens when I’m inevitably sometimes disapproved of? Other peoples likes and dislikes describe them. I highly prefer (in some cases) to have the approval of others to aid in getting shelter, income, communication, companionship, and sex, but I don’t have to.

So I now experience concern, sadness, annoyance, regret, disappointment which are motivating to make changes if desired. Motivating to create satisfaction, the purpose of my life. Satisfying changes such as nicer friends, jobs, accommodation, and doing satisfying alone activities from art making to toenail cutting. 

 On Volunteering
    In yoga there is the notion of Karma Yoga, selfless sacrifice. At the same time if you do enough then you burn your past karma, so not so much with the selfless. It’s more of a business deal.
I volunteered for the Huntington’s society, a private fundraising organization, raising money for research into the terminal illness that my common-law wife suffered from. So I was fighting to save her life. For 10 years. Her family and friends didn’t take that into account when they asked me to leave our home as her illness progressed and she went into care. Since they could legally do that I had no choice. They tore down the property and developed it, making a pile, I worked at a transitional needs job and lived in a rental while I sought counseling at the hospital. Situation based depression they called it. The treatment was successful and over time I recovered by accepting the notion that I wasn’t in a relationship I was in a business deal. They were profiting by my romantic notion of loyalty.
Loyalty is largely a myth
Eighty per cent of Huntington’s partners just dispose of the diseased person to a care home and go find a ‘better’ partner. 
In the genetic testing for the disease it is usual to find out that many people don’t have the parents they thought they did.
Many people with Huntington’s suicide.
ROMANCE IS LARGELY A MYTH
When her conservative family and friends forced me out the social worker said,”good now you don’t have to watch her die.”

On Being Broken

We have a new building management that comes with new staff. One lady from a far away land is religious, a result of generations of christian colonization.

On day without asking she took my stroke affected hand and began praying over it asking Jesus to heal me. I took my hand back and told her I felt offended by her action.

She was treating me like I’m broken, essentially criticizing me, which is the covert abuse of any religion.

She said we couldn’t date because she liked to go for walks and hold hands. When you have one leg and arm fully functioning that is one of the few things you can’t do.

She pointed to my crotch and said, “Does that work?”

She asked, “do you go to bed at 4 pm?”

I mean she had no filters at all. The thoughts came pouring out. Anxiety, I suppose.

Do all people think these things? 

 

 The Fallacy of Faith

I, as an atheist, change the word ‘faith’ to ‘hope’. As an atheist I accept that the world is the way it is, and I would highly prefer it be different in some cases, so I seek satisfaction, my life’s purpose, in trying to effect change in some way. 

What the hell is intuition? ‘Intuition relies on evolutionary older, automatic, unconscious, and fast mental processing, primarily to save our brains time or energy. It also is prone to make mistakes, such as cognitive biases.’ — (psychology today) To say that I intuitively know something to be true is to fail to ask for the evidence for my beliefs. — (rebt network) Religion programs our intuition to assume we are not good enough and only religion will save us. Atheism deprograms our intuition and says the situation is not optimum so I had better work at dealing with it which includes ignoring it, such as a lifetime disability for instance. I hope my stroke affected arm gets better so I will do my prescribed exercises then ignore it so I can seek satisfaction using other strategies. Better than having faith that god will heal me.

This is the ‘The Age of Atheism’, I like that.