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 Happy Canadian Thanksgiving

  narcissists feed So I figured it out, narcissists feed, or food whatever. It’s my sympathy my empathy that they want. They use that to manipulate me with. Hence the victiming and the sad stories. I get so drained. I mean with Edi and the fact she had the gene for Huntington’s and she was a liar charming cheat and manipulator and smart made it hard, it took years to see it and here it is 20 years later and I’m still recovering. So there is this guy in my building, Ross telling me how much he hates Lydia a local vile narcissist, sitting today chatting with her like the best of friends. At the same time he’s telling me about his blindness and bad luck in order to draw me in to feed upon my attention, my attention being my care and my empathy. Insanity, all of it.

  Trauma I’ve had the flu vaccines and I’m feeling under the weather. And so memories of past emotional traumas have been returning in a dream last night and memories today. It occurs that they all involved the betrayal of trust by other people when it came to living situations. Dumping me and leaving me for another man (Rita Kramer), Dumping me and leaving me with double rent to pay (James Whitford’s friends, David and Alan). Ken McKasgill came and went as a solution. I got a room with former coworkers and that broke up so I got a room with current co-workers and that broke up leaving me serial traumatized, engaged and then married to an extreme narcissist so of course it didn’t last. I co-habitated with Betty and changed cities then back again where she met an engineer at a party and never came home. I tried roommates with Rob and Rose then Tref then on my own for several years then Edi then on my own followed by Brian during my stroke recovery during covid then on my own ti...

  Love So I’m sitting here reading love letters and about love letters of famous people. These people are rich, usually artists always dead. I wonder if poor people have romantic love and devotion. My experience as a child raised in abandoned poverty then as an adult always under-employed and under-educated due to low self worth is no. A resounding no. Folks have told me I’m attractive all my life and there has always been attention paid to me, user-lovers pass through my life, and due to loneliness, self criticism really, a lack of discernment and acceptance of the self abuse as ‘this is the best I can do’. So when I start to say ‘please don’t criticize me’, I prefer to be alone over being criticized, I come face to face with the cause of my loneliness: No One Loves Me. This a lie. I Love Me. I am never alone, I am always here with me, laughing at my jokes, enjoying my art, feeling satisfied with life’s challenges. The self criticisms are always a self defeating lie. A...

So today   TODAY I SETTLE ALL FAMILY BUSINESS  Today I Settle All Family Business   S0, I spent the last couple weeks, since my birthday, basically telling folks to fuck off. They hurt me, they undervalued me. In one instance they destroyed my artwork so that I cancelled my pending show and sought other venues. Then last night I watched a tiktok short form video that validated my choices. If I ignore the red flags & I keep getting hurt, then it’s my responsibility. Ghosting is my superpower. And since this is October Spooky Month, I find this appropriate. I mean I used to feel sad that they left me, then I realized I left them, I’m sad because they didn’t value me.

 Last week I was accused of creating a viscous letter hand written criticizing the building management. When I pointed out I couldn’t write due to a stroke I was offered a meeting with the building manager which I took. The meeting was on the same day as the new lease signing. I received an apology and a new lease which undercharged me, so that needed correcting by asserting my right to a fair deal so that I didn’t commit fraud. So this was stressful because I looked at it as ‘I MUST do well and be liked with the management or else I’m homeless and a no good shit.’ There was/is no evidence for either of those beliefs, this is not terrible it is just a pain in this ass, an inconvenience. Then my chair for my computer was refused funding by the government victims of crime organization because I used it for work. I accused them of a lack of empathy looking for mere quibbles to disallow me, it was none of their business what I used it for, it was medically prescribed. Then they ref...