Blackstock Art&Design

  Long Weekend Blues What is the situation that you are upset about?       Answer:  Abandonment. The dentists’ office didn't get back to me about my tooth kicking up a fuss, it's a long weekend when historically I have been alone and felt dumped and lonely = no one loves me. Thinking about the isolating behaviors of family, actually my Mom/siblings, and similar girl/guy friends who actually didn’t love me but claimed to. The cure of course is to ignore the lying creatures the lying lies and to focus on that I love me and to walk away from childish self centred folks. What are the unhealthy negative emotions that you are experiencing?       Answer:  hurt anxiety depression jealousy What demand are you making about the situation?       Answer:  Dentist: Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience. Long weekend: I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no g...

  I had the lovely experience of having my walking path blocked by automobiles. One person said she was ‘asked’ to. Another said I could walk somewhere else. I was reminded of a family member who used similar put offs and put downs. The professional advice is I’ll never be able to influence them, they don’t care, so it’s perfectly fine to simply walk away. While walking yesterday one of these creatures tried to engage me in conversation using the hook of ‘how are you’ to which I didn’t reply, I just kept walking. His response was ‘fuck you’ and I just kept walking.

I am afraid of other people’s disapproval of me when these other people have no power over me. - Ellis   So here is my conundrum.  I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good The fear is a result of calling myself no good resulting in anxiety, depression, embarrassment, guilt, and shame. Is there any evidence that I’m no good? Well, I’m not all bad, if I want to stay with a rating system. However, I choose not to rate myself at all, essentially dumping the notion of self esteem and what happens then?  I’m free. To pursue satisfaction. So what happens when I’m inevitably sometimes disapproved of? Other peoples likes and dislikes describe them. I highly prefer (in some cases) to have the approval of others to aid in getting shelter, income, communication, companionship, and sex, but I don’t have to. So I now experience concern, sadness, annoyance, regret, disappointment which are motivating to make changes if desired. Motivating to create satisfa...

 On Volunteering     In yoga there is the notion of Karma Yoga , selfless sacrifice. At the same time if you do enough then you burn your past karma, so not so much with the selfless. It’s more of a business deal. I volunteered for the Huntington’s society, a private fundraising organization, raising money for research into the terminal illness that my common-law wife suffered from. So I was fighting to save her life. For 10 years. Her family and friends didn’t take that into account when they asked me to leave our home as her illness progressed and she went into care. Since they could legally do that I had no choice. They tore down the property and developed it, making a pile, I worked at a transitional needs job and lived in a rental while I sought counseling at the hospital. Situation based depression they called it. The treatment was successful and over time I recovered by accepting the notion that I wasn’t in a relationship I was in a business deal. They were profiti...

On Being Broken We have a new building management that comes with new staff. One lady from a far away land is religious, a result of generations of christian colonization. On day without asking she took my stroke affected hand and began praying over it asking Jesus to heal me. I took my hand back and told her I felt offended by her action. She was treating me like I’m broken, essentially criticizing me, which is the covert abuse of any religion. She said we couldn’t date because she liked to go for walks and hold hands. When you have one leg and arm fully functioning that is one of the few things you can’t do. She pointed to my crotch and said, “Does that work?” She asked, “do you go to bed at 4 pm?” I mean she had no filters at all. The thoughts came pouring out. Anxiety, I suppose. Do all people think these things?