Long Weekend Blues

What is the situation that you are upset about?
     Answer: Abandonment. The dentists’ office didn't get back to me about my tooth kicking up a fuss, it's a long weekend when historically I have been alone and felt dumped and lonely = no one loves me. Thinking about the isolating behaviors of family, actually my Mom/siblings, and similar girl/guy friends who actually didn’t love me but claimed to. The cure of course is to ignore the lying creatures the lying lies and to focus on that I love me and to walk away from childish self centred folks.

What are the unhealthy negative emotions that you are experiencing?
     Answer: hurt anxiety depression jealousy

What demand are you making about the situation?
     Answer: Dentist: Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience. Long weekend: I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good I must be invited to have the trips and bar-b-ques that others have and be included or I am no good.
     Dispute: Why must I? Is there evidence that I'm no good?
     Rational Belief: Dentist: there is a good chance that the dentist that the assistant Luvleen tried to contact for me didn't get back to her due to long weekend irregularity and anyway, I am OK with pain relievers till things get back to normal (not holiday), and this gives my tooth time to settle down. This is discomfort and inconvenience a pain but its not awful, I won't die from it.

Ron who often says Hi and takes off revealed to me that he is suffering from prostate cancer so I now suspect he has urgent urination issues, it’s not me and actually it never was. So I ran in to him and had a chat yesterday, he now says he has no symptoms then spent half an hour describing his treatments in great detail, incredibly self centred; no wonder I felt lonely around him.

People always have 3 choices about what they don’t like about me. Rejection, assertiveness, and put up with me. No one can influence their choice.

The other abandoners: many of whom were isolating narcissists so they should be acting that way because they did act that way I don't have (so no one) has the ability to influence or change a personality defect in others.

What are your new healthy negative emotions?
     Answer: disappointment and concern, sadness I regret my association with who they turned out to be but I get some comfort in that they cloned me in the overvalue stage, so the person I was enjoying was me essentially.

What are your new self-helping behaviors?
     Answer: talking to strangers, and asking others for what I want, tackling unpleasant tasks without needless delay, getting pain management advice returning to the dentist if necessary, asking for assistance, enjoying the fact that I walked away from the creatures that had childish narcissist tendencies. So I wasn't abandoned, I smelled a rat and began speaking up and asking for what I want which they hate as they have nothing to give, eventually moved on and in some cases that was very very painful for me. The narcissist always undervalued and blamed me then dumped me then smeared me. Always. So I hurt a lot because I believed them. Then I kept returning trying to heal the relationship and found myself in a rinse repeat scenario.

So my acceptance of myself has been conditional, only if others ‘love me’ (including the dentist’s assistant) then I love myself. So I have learned to just leave my self alone and dump this self esteem bullshit and to ignore the creatures, like learning to walk without an assistive device, focus on strategies for satisfaction many or most of them are things I do alone.

So why did I end up with serial narcissist romantic and sex partners? Like when I found my non-affectionate mother showing affection (no longer abandoning me) so then on a very deep level I felt security, love: Oxytocin generated by the love bombing. It’s hard to spot the liars they do and say all the right things. I find that asking for what I want helps to send them back to the bog, the creatures run flinging shit as they go. Looking for childish self centred traits as an indicator that they don’t care, I listen to this lady.

How do I feel security now? I became for the most part rational. Is there any evidence that I can’t take care of me by asking for help when reasonably required? No there is no evidence. I have found it scary to do and in some circumstances such as the dentist very scary, but my rational response has been the treatment by the professional is the eventual cessation of discomfort, or short term pain for long term gain an adult behaviour.

When faced with being alone during trigger times, the same thing applies: get used to the initial discomfort by dealing with it by making plans for satisfaction with my best friend: me. I may not have as many options but I still have some.