Blackstock Art&Design

Thoughts This Morning on Halloween. Life, must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience , (or I can’t stand it) this is the helplessness of the narcissist, it is childishness, and it is manipulation of others to use their time and energy (often money) and to not use their own.          In my case it was a learned behavior from my narcissist mother and the religious indoctrination I was born into. I have spent my life growing out of it, looking for the evidence of that belief. THERE NEVER IS ANY, “I can’t stand it” means I will die from it, *pinches self* and based on this evidence *ouch!* I’m not yet dead. Kathleen said to me on my bench recently, I’ll have to get my daughter to show me how to work my air fryer. I asked if it came with a manual and if she still had reading comprehension… Religions teach this childish helplessness in order to keep their income source enslaved. Narcissists groom others, especially their children (par...

 Happy Canadian Thanksgiving

  narcissists feed So I figured it out, narcissists feed, or food whatever. It’s my sympathy my empathy that they want. They use that to manipulate me with. Hence the victiming and the sad stories. I get so drained. I mean with Edi and the fact she had the gene for Huntington’s and she was a liar charming cheat and manipulator and smart made it hard, it took years to see it and here it is 20 years later and I’m still recovering. So there is this guy in my building, Ross telling me how much he hates Lydia a local vile narcissist, sitting today chatting with her like the best of friends. At the same time he’s telling me about his blindness and bad luck in order to draw me in to feed upon my attention, my attention being my care and my empathy. Insanity, all of it.

  Trauma I’ve had the flu vaccines and I’m feeling under the weather. And so memories of past emotional traumas have been returning in a dream last night and memories today. It occurs that they all involved the betrayal of trust by other people when it came to living situations. Dumping me and leaving me for another man (Rita Kramer), Dumping me and leaving me with double rent to pay (James Whitford’s friends, David and Alan). Ken McKasgill came and went as a solution. I got a room with former coworkers and that broke up so I got a room with current co-workers and that broke up leaving me serial traumatized, engaged and then married to an extreme narcissist so of course it didn’t last. I co-habitated with Betty and changed cities then back again where she met an engineer at a party and never came home. I tried roommates with Rob and Rose then Tref then on my own for several years then Edi then on my own followed by Brian during my stroke recovery during covid then on my own ti...

  Love So I’m sitting here reading love letters and about love letters of famous people. These people are rich, usually artists always dead. I wonder if poor people have romantic love and devotion. My experience as a child raised in abandoned poverty then as an adult always under-employed and under-educated due to low self worth is no. A resounding no. Folks have told me I’m attractive all my life and there has always been attention paid to me, user-lovers pass through my life, and due to loneliness, self criticism really, a lack of discernment and acceptance of the self abuse as ‘this is the best I can do’. So when I start to say ‘please don’t criticize me’, I prefer to be alone over being criticized, I come face to face with the cause of my loneliness: No One Loves Me. This a lie. I Love Me. I am never alone, I am always here with me, laughing at my jokes, enjoying my art, feeling satisfied with life’s challenges. The self criticisms are always a self defeating lie. A...

So today   TODAY I SETTLE ALL FAMILY BUSINESS  Today I Settle All Family Business   S0, I spent the last couple weeks, since my birthday, basically telling folks to fuck off. They hurt me, they undervalued me. In one instance they destroyed my artwork so that I cancelled my pending show and sought other venues. Then last night I watched a tiktok short form video that validated my choices. If I ignore the red flags & I keep getting hurt, then it’s my responsibility. Ghosting is my superpower. And since this is October Spooky Month, I find this appropriate. I mean I used to feel sad that they left me, then I realized I left them, I’m sad because they didn’t value me.