Social Distancing At Social Housing

I love it

        When I first moved into social housing I was familiar with the concept through a poet colleague in Toronto, and her writings on the perpetual dysfunction of her micro culture. The people housed here are based on age in my situation but there are other criteria, hers was mental/emotional. All are financial.

        It turns out my building was not so different. The building was known for its quick turnover due to the 12 step focus of the residents, not the most stable population base with its 3% success rate and high incidence of relapse. Gambling seemed to be the drug of choice, but booze, food and valium abuse was also apparent.

        It was cheap, available and in my neighborhood. I was leaving a crazy roommate that I was stuck with to get out of the hospital during Covid; I was recovering from a stroke and living on a small pension.

 

 

        One day, I was exiting my new building, barely walking on my cane, this was shortly after I moved in, when Doug grabbed my door that I was using as a support. His breath was in my face and the smell from his open armpit was wafting towards me. I was in danger of falling. I said ’Please don’t’, and he just stood there breathing into my face, no mask on during a pandemic. ‘Please don’t’ I repeated louder not moving and waiting till he released the door. He stalked off looking back at me with resentment. I didn’t explain to him as explanations in those situations only leave you open to more cheap abuse. I often explain to healthy folks who offer ‘Can I give you a hand?’ (As an adult educator I know how to explain, I’m well trained), ‘Thanks for the offer but I prefer to do it myself’ is my go-to script.

        Doug cornered me a few days later with ‘You’re thin skinned!’, blindsiding me right out of the blue, aggressive, he had seemingly waited until no one was around the common area before he pounced. Using tools from a past career counseling addicted sociopath inmates at the jail I said in my cop voice, loud, ’What’s your name?’  Doug sat down on the couch and meekly said his name; it’s like he had been incarcerated previously and knew the routine. ‘You’re cut off’, I said and walked away shakily on my cane. I’ve never spoken to him again.

        Why, you might reasonably ask. Well, Doug was showing symptoms of covert narcissism. I set an immediate boundary initially and as the abuse accelerated and intensified I erected a barricade. I have done the same with similar personality types in the community of 107 people, about 10% being the normal average for this disorder.

        They are here, to my surprise, pictured in the newspaper.  So I used this handy photo I copied from the public record.

Also, here is a more detailed explanation of this particular personality disorder and its effects on those they get close to.

The helplessness of the covert narcissist will suck you dry - JW Blackstock

People close to them suffer from strokes, heart attacks and cancer.

A detailed overview by Dr Tara J.Palmatier:

They will weaponize your empathy. They manipulate with fear, obligation and guilt (F.O.G.) to con you away from your adult self- care into caring for them, the perpetual child victim.

Covert narcissism has severe health effects on both the individual with the condition (the narcissist) and, more significantly, their victims. The abuse inflicted by covert narcissists is subtle, making it difficult to detect and leading to chronic mental and physical health problems in those around them due to prolonged stress and manipulation on the victim of abuse.

The subtle and chronic nature of covert narcissistic abuse makes it particularly insidious, often leading to a range of severe mental and physical health issues as a result of constant stress and emotional manipulation (e.g., gaslighting, silent treatment, victim-playing). However, your abuser(s) probably used the stress reactions you’re experiencing, because of them, as another device to hurt you. “Why are you so sensitive? Stop being so defensive! You’re a hypochondriac. Stop being such a baby. You’re so angry. You’re being abusive.” Sound familiar? They use the trauma symptoms you’re experiencing, which they induced, to further traumatize you. Nice.

Physical, Mental and Emotional Effects:

·       Headaches, backaches, muscle fatigue, and stomach aches.

·       Nausea, irritable bowels, diarrhea, or constipation.

·       Increased susceptibility to colds and other illnesses because chronic stress is weakening your immune system.

·       Insomnia and other sleep disturbances such as ruminative thought or bad dreams.

·       A pervasive sense of anxiety, dread, fear, worry, and/or panic attacks.

·       Depression, the blues, grief, or feeling hopeless about the future.

·       Feelings of helplessness, weakness, and being trapped.

·       Feeling disoriented, confused, and/or overwhelmed.

·       Isolating yourself from others, not communicating with friends and family.

·       Feeling emotionally detached, shut down or numb.

·       Feeling overwhelmed or flooded by feelings that are disproportionate to the situation.

·       Difficulty concentrating, focusing or remembering things.

·       Feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness and/or blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault.

·       Difficulty trusting others, feeling paranoid (like others are out to get you), feelings of betrayal.

·       Drinking too much, taking drugs, overeating or engaging in other compulsive behaviors to numb and/or soothe yourself.

·       Outbursts of anger, rage, irritability or frustration that are disproportionate to the situation.

·       Mood swings or moodiness.

·       Overly sensitive to criticism.

·       Denying, rationalizing or minimizing the traumatic behaviors.

·       Feeling on edge, jumpy or hypervigilant to possible attacks, always being on the defense.

·       Keeping secrets, censoring or stuffing your feelings, lying to others about what happens in your relationship.

·       Developing false beliefs such as, “All women are crazy” or “Never trust anyone” or “Never let your guard down” or “Never tell anyone how you’re really feeling or what you really think because they’ll use it against you.” These are negative and self-limiting beliefs that keep you from living life fully.

·       Difficulty making decisions, fear of making the “wrong choice.”

·       Not taking care of yourself—eating poorly, not exercising, not getting enough rest, engaging in dangerous activities that could be passive suicide attempts like crossing the street without looking or biking in dangerous areas.

·       Feelings of indifference, fatalism, cynicism, or pessimism.

These are NORMAL reactions to ABNORMAL and abusive behaviors.

 

AI Generated Image

When I queried AI, I got this:

·       Anxiety and Depression: Constant "walking on eggshells" and criticism can lead to severe anxiety disorders and depression.

·       Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex PTSD (C-PTSD): The ongoing cycle of abuse can cause trauma symptoms, including flashbacks, nightmares, and hyper vigilance.

·       Erosion of Self-Esteem and Identity Loss: Gaslighting and manipulation make victims question their own memory, perception, and worth, leading to significant self-doubt and a lost sense of self.

·       Codependency and Boundary Issues: Victims may develop people-pleasing tendencies and struggle to set healthy boundaries in current and future relationships.

·       Isolation and Trust Issues: Narcissists often alienate victims from support systems, leading to loneliness and an inability to trust others or themselves.

·       Suicidal Ideation and Self-Harm: The emotional toll can be so severe that victims may experience suicidal thoughts or engage in self-destructive behaviors as a coping mechanism.

·       Difficulty Functioning: In severe cases, the lasting effects can impair a person's ability to manage daily tasks, work, or maintain a healthy life. 

·       Physical Effects (Stemming from chronic stress):

·       Chronic Pain and Fatigue: The body's constant state of alarm can lead to unexplained physical symptoms, such as debilitating joint pain, muscle tension, and chronic fatigue.

·       Gastrointestinal Issues: Digestive problems, nausea, and stomach aches are common physical manifestations of prolonged stress.

·       Sleep Disturbances: Insomnia, nightmares, and broken sleep are frequent due to a hyperactive nervous system.

·       Immune System Issues: Chronic stress can weaken the immune system, potentially leading to a higher incidence of infections or autoimmune conditions.

·       Other Symptoms: Headaches/migraines, hair loss, skin problems (like acne or eczema), and vision issues have also been reported by victims. 

·       While the primary damage is often inflicted on those around them, individuals with covert narcissism also experience internal health struggles due to their condition. 

·       Depression and Anxiety: The internal struggle between their grandiose fantasies and chronic feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth often leads to internal feelings of depression and anxiety, which they may mask with self-effacing behavior (emphasis is my own)

·       Hypersensitivity to Criticism: They may take offense easily to perceived slights, leading to internal anger and humiliation.

·       Chronic Feelings of Emptiness or Boredom: A lack of genuine connection with others and constant validation-seeking can lead to feelings of emptiness.

·       Relationship Difficulties: Their passive-aggressive behavior, lack of empathy, and manipulation tactics make it difficult to maintain stable, healthy relationships, leading to social isolation.

·       Difficulty Managing Stress: They often struggle to adapt to change and may withdraw from situations where they might fail.

·       Substance Abuse: Like victims, they may turn to drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism for their internal distress. 

        So, what do I do to cope with this? Pretty  much the same as any healthy adult. Primarily, I detach from the abusers in the building as a self care. Since I am a widower living independently recovering from various physical and emotional life changing traumatic events. I seek professional advice then I follow it. I keep my career alive because I get huge satisfaction from it, as it’s very challenging. I love coffee shops where I can meet others or put on my headphones and quietly people watch. I go to the same gym in my neighborhood that I have for the past 30 years. I love to cook and my kitchen has the best tools I can afford. I usually roast a chicken on Sunday, I don’t really know why but I like it. Music is my hobby; my instrument has changed from guitar with having the stroke to piano so I can play one handed. Computers give me the ability to make digital art and it’s a daily practice as is my camera and digital effects. As part of my career I exhibit these works usually in pop up galleries. I write this blog in various forms and create e-books from the posts.

I follow the professional advice of do everything I can to deal with losing an arm and a leg, or being around covert narcissism abuse or whatever, then ignore it and focus on satisfactions.  The purpose of life is satisfaction.