The F.O.G. Lifted
Yesterday I relieved a nagging depression the cause of which had been centered on relationships and my poor satisfaction levels. My entire life. The guilt I was programmed to feel over leaving my Mother bleeding into other relationships.
Edi and I were together for 9 years. During that time I suffered from her the usual but unrecognized overvalue, undervalue, dump then smear; I spent most of that time a slave to recreating the overvalue stage, which was a lie and a manipulation as it turned out.
My self esteem was tied up in it of course, having a primary partner and a house lifestyle is an expensive class distinction in conservative Calgary. ‘Belatedly’ ( I was 40) earning my art degrees was part of the catch up and part of my self esteem as a former welfare child. I needed the financial relationship of low housing cost to afford school. So I was dependant as fuck unless I wanted to quit school due to finances, again. I felt I couldn’t bear that. (I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good.)
After we split up the family therapist assured me that it was a business deal not a relationship, because relationships are unconditional (the overvalue stage) and the business deal is all about the conditions of the contract. Ongoing frank conversation and willingness to compromise have no place in a contract or a narcissistic relationship. In fact I was thrown out for insisting on communication. I was smeared as abusive. As Dr Tara J. Palmatier says: “Why are you so sensitive? Stop being so defensive! You’re a hypochondriac. Stop being such a baby. You’re so angry. You’re being abusive.” Sound familiar? They use the trauma symptoms you’re experiencing, which they induced, to further traumatize you. Nice.”
The therapist turned me on to cognitive therapy and Dr. Burns’ ‘Feel Good’ book. I researched his teacher Dr. Albert Ellis and found REBT which was much better for me.
Ellis also wrote a book called ‘The Myth of Self Esteem’. Basically, if you have it you can lose it then you are fucked. Which I was. Royally. The therapy is to dump the entire notion of self esteem and rate your strategies for satisfaction instead. Burns wrote a book on relationships called ‘Intimate Connections’ which taught me a science technique to find my satisfaction level. Basically I’m having a frank conversation and willingness to compromise with myself, my relationship with me and my actions.
After choosing 20 things I valued most in a romantic (or any) relationship and rating each one from 1-5, the resulting percentage is my satisfaction level. During the initial overvalue stage of relationship with Edi (or anyone) the resulting score is 80-100% for me. Rose tinted glasses, hormones flowing, tons of sex. I kept trying to get back to that place but the reality of living with a narcissist kept intruding. They are liars and in this case she was omitting to communicate and constantly blindsiding. “I have the gene for Huntington’s disease.” “My father bought me a house.” I mean there was a list.
So yesterday I’m driving around thinking about Edi and how she degenerated into a vegetable in long term care and how she probably passed away by now. I mean, I was still being manipulated by her with fear, obligation, and guilt (F.O.G.) and it’s like 20 years since I saw her last, based on the professional advice of experts. I felt depressed, anxious, embarrassed, guilty, and hurt.
Then I remembered our relationship score I did 25 years ago. 20% satisfaction level for me. It was not sustainable and as a result of relationship with a narcissist I had felt depressed, anxious, hurt, guilt, jealous, and embarrassed.
So the fog lifted. The F.O.G. lifted.
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