Arrogance (blame shifting)

 

instead of chasing ghosts to get them to like and accept me…

I woke up that morning with a clear memory of Robert Haladay a local character from the restaurant business with severe NPD (narcissist personality disorder). My memory included how I felt when he liked and accepted me and how I felt when he dumped me leaving me in the lurch. He was the consummate manipulator. As a result I woke up this morning seeing the same pattern when my Mom threatened me with a stick with a nail in it. I was 2 years old at the time being traumatized by this woman who had up until then only showed me unconditional care.

It was very easy to see the over-value, under-value, dump and smear events; the man was gross and loud, no subtle manipulations at all. So was my Mom a sexual abuse survivor from a remote island, come to think of it.

What I thought this morning: what had made me vulnerable and subject to manipulation was clearly I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good. I had been conditioned to this conditional self esteem by a god-like parent with a stick with a nail in it.

I felt this morning the old bitter anxiety and loss that comes as a result of those thoughts. This was early 1980’s. My NPD Mom recently passed away. Professional advice had told me to avoid her since I was 14 when she dumped me on the street and now it was 15 years later. I had recently been dumped by my wife Carol Graham, then a rebound dumping by a woman Betty Selluski, and I was being used by ‘friends’ Rob and Rose Walker for cheap shelter before they dumped me as I desperately needed to be liked. Then Robert Halady a seemingly vibrant talented man whom I formed a swing band with bailed on our first gig leaving us in the lurch. It turns out he was to be our front man but typically, he was an NPD coward who was overly afraid of the stage. So he never showed up and never called. I was experiencing the undervaluing and dump stage of the NPD yet again.

I was experiencing all the usual suspects of unhealthy negative emotions that comes with that concept of I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good; the concept creator of depression, shame, embarrassment, anxiety, guilt and jealousy. I mean of course I’m no good I’m 2 years old and my NPD mother/god is threatening me with a stick with a nail in it in order to be quiet…

So I self medicated my voice, my expressive artists voice as it turned out, afraid to talk and ask for what I want. I used isolating behaviours, and cigarettes, my single parent Mom had taught me to smoke, at age 12, by abandoning her responsibility (again) to confront and discipline and parent me. Then, as I grew older and had finances, I also smoked a lot of pot, an instant relief of the unhealthy negative emotions that go along with being manipulated with I’m no good unless some condition is fulfilled.

So now, seeing the consequences of my past conditioning  of my self-acceptance so clearly, I continue to work on dumping the whole notion of self esteem with its conditional pitfalls and focus on my satisfactions instead. Instead of chasing long dead ghosts such as my Mom, to get them to like and accept me.

Other people must do "the right thing" or else they are no good and deserve to be punished and

Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience

are the other 2 pitfalls, so instead I simply acknowledge and then ignore them when they return to the here and now either in memory form or the manipulator ‘nice people’ form and then focus on my choices for satisfaction.

What is the result of disputing those musts with: Is there any evidence  that I must be liked or that I’m no good (those meaningless terms) or that life must be easy (another meaningless term) or I can’t stand others doing the wrong thing (yet another meaningless term) and the universe must do as I demand as I am the center of the universe?

The answer, the dispute, is always very simple and elegant: there is no evidence at all. I still feel shitty but the motivating shitty: sad, annoyed, concerned, regrets and disappointments.

Motivated to what? Taking life on as a challenge. Talking to strangers and asking for what I want in my life, doing things like exercising and shopping so that I’m eating healthily, no longer procrastinating but enjoying the challenge and accomplishment instead. Taking risks in the art I make is a huge accomplishment no longer being held back by imagining others likes and dislikes as that only describes them and doesn’t usefully describe me or my art. Being motivated by what I prefer.

What was I going for? How close did I get? How do I get closer? is the art critique that is applied to my life, (the therapy of art) as opposed to I must be liked, life must be easy, and the universe must be kind. I highly prefer those musts but I don’t have  to have them, obviously, based on evidence.